a wallflower
I’ve been hangin out a lot on the lower east side lately. it’s where the hippest young hipsters of manhattan and beyond hang. I’m not there to be hip (cause there’s not much chance of that is there?), but they have a lot of great music venues in the area. I’ve noticed that although the music really brings me there, and I really feel like I belong there listening, I definetely don’t fit in or identify with 99% of the crowd. each and every person looks like a character that could easily be the lead player in a movie. whether it’s tatoos, piercings, expensive shoes, or crazy hair—everyone has their thing. I think it’s great, and it makes for a pretty fun, energetic, youthful atmosphere.
so how did they all get so damn hip? at some point they must have felt like they wanted to be part of some group, that looks and dresses a certain way (or doesn’t look or dress a certain way), and started to mold themselves that way. they felt like they could fit in (or purposfully not fit in), if they did certain things. I’ve tried to do this myself in social situations at times, but I usually end up feeling like I’m really over extending myself, and feeling fake. but I think it’s a very interesting phenomenon—the way people mold themselves externally into what they are trying to be.
maybe the reason I’ve never latched onto groups, and felt the need to change myself or reinvent myself is that subconciously I feel like there’s no way I’m going to fit in with these groups. it’s probably ingrained into me from childhood. growing up in a rural environment with almost zero minorities made it pretty obvious that I was never really going to fit in.
so I became an observer at a very young age. not afraid to be part of crowds, and enjoying being part of them… but always observing and never completely engaged into the moment. taking snapshots in my mind and observing things with a fresh curiosity. in a way it’s sad, because life ends up being very cinematic, and I end up feeling lonely and removed at times. but on the other hand, it allows me to have a great amount of ideas to express artistically. allows me to not get washed up in things and keeps my identity from getting swallowed. it helps me to stay strong in my convictions. I guess this would be harder if you knew you could fit into any group if you just made a few superficial changes… but then would deeper changes in your convictions start taking place? I don’t know how it all works, but I’ll keep observing.
